Come as You Are: How to Keep Your Friendships Going After a Baby

It's 4:30 on a Friday. You told a friend weeks ago that you'd come over tonight, and now you're standing in your kitchen in yesterday's leggings, the baby hasn't napped, and the thought of packing the diaper bag, finding a clean shirt, and driving across town makes you want to cry. So you open your phone and start typing the text: "So sorry, I don't think we can make it tonight."

I talked with TIME recently about exactly this moment for their piece "Don't Cancel Your Plans. Shrink Them." The idea is simple. When a plan feels like too much, figure out what part is hard and change that part, so you can still see the people you love.

Find the hard part

When a mom tells me she keeps canceling on friends, I ask her what exactly feels heavy. As I told TIME, "Is it the commute to get there? Is it the cost? Is it the cleaning and cooking you would have to do if you were hosting? Is it how long the event is?"

Once you know, you can solve that one piece. A long dinner out becomes an hour at the park. A drive across town becomes a walk around your block. A hosted meal becomes pizza on paper plates. As I told TIME, "The goal is just to get together."

Set it up before you're tired

Here's an important part I always emphasize with clients. Talk with your friends ahead of time, before anyone is exhausted, about what kind of get-togethers you want.

You might say something like: "Can we have come-as-you-are hangouts? People come in whatever they're wearing, we order pizza, the kids run around, and nobody has to clean or host. We just hang."

When you agree on that early, nobody has to ask permission later to show up in sweatpants. The friend with the messy living room can still invite everyone over. The mom who's been running on four hours of sleep doesn't have to explain why she didn't bring a dish. The plan is already low-pressure, so it's much easier to keep.

Your house doesn't have to look a certain way

A lot of us learned that hosting means a clean house, a real meal, and everything looking put together. Add social media, where every playroom is styled and every snack board looks professional, and it's easy to feel like your home isn't ready for company. So you wait, and the weeks go by.

Your friends are coming to see you. As I told TIME, "These are your friends and they love you. So they'll meet you where you are, typically." The pile of laundry on the couch is part of life with little kids, and most of your friends have one too. Seeing someone else's real house can be a relief.

Why it matters so much right now

The months after a baby can be some of the loneliest of your life, even when you're never alone. Your days get smaller, your routines change, and friendships that used to happen easily now take planning. Moms tell me all the time that they miss their friends but don't have the energy to see them.

Staying connected is one of the best things you can do for your mental health in this season. It doesn't need to be a big night out. It can be twenty minutes on someone's porch while the babies nap in their car seats. As I told TIME, "It doesn't have to be some version of perfect. It should just be staying in each other's lives and connecting in those moments."

One thing to try this week

Text one friend and suggest a come-as-you-are hangout. Name the rules out loud: sweatpants welcome, no cleaning, takeout or snacks, kids invited. Pick a time that works with naps. Then keep it short, and let it be easy.

If you want more ideas for finding your people, here's why postpartum support groups work and how to find one.

Working with me

I'm a licensed clinical psychologist and a certified perinatal mental health specialist, and a lot of my work is helping moms through the isolation and pressure of early parenthood. I see moms in Austin or on video, and babies are always welcome in my office.

You don't have to be "bad enough" to benefit from support. Many of the moms I work with aren't clinically depressed at all. They're dealing with the everyday stress of becoming a mom, and therapy helps with that just as much as it helps with depression or anxiety.

The first step is a free 15-minute call. Tell me what has been going on, and I will tell you honestly what I think would help.

Book a free 15-minute call