How to Ask for Help as a New Mom (and Why It's So Hard)

Asking can take practice. Start with one person and one specific thing you need.

Why is it so hard to ask for help as a new mom?

In the video above, I talk about how high-functioning women are used to being capable. Before the baby, your competence solved problems. You figured things out, pushed through, did well at school and at work. Hard work paid off.

Then postpartum arrives, and part of you assumes it works the same way. If you keep the house clean, make the dinners and keep breastfeeding even though it isn't going well, you'll earn some kind of medal. And when you're struggling anyway, the voice gets louder: If I were stronger, I wouldn't be struggling. If I work a little harder, I'll figure this out.

So a lot of high-achieving moms don't ask. They need the help. Needing it just feels so unfamiliar that asking may not occur to them. Ask me how I know. I'm a perfectionist who struggled postpartum, and I white-knuckled much of my own maternity leave alone, thinking: I've been independent most of my life, so why would motherhood be any different?

If this sounds like you, Perfectionism in High-Achieving Women: When It Stops Working goes deeper. Postpartum isn't something you can muscle through, and trying harder alone can make it heavier.

Why does parenting feel so hard without a village?

We were never meant to do this alone, and yet a lot of us are. Many of us live far from family. I can walk through my own neighborhood and count on one hand the neighbors I'd feel comfortable asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

When you do everything yourself, you're on duty all the time, with no one to hand the baby to and no point where your body gets to stand down. That much time on duty is a lot for one person. Regular help gives you somewhere to hand over the responsibility for a while.

How do I actually ask for help?

A specific request gives someone a way to help: a meal, a visit, a grocery pickup. You can borrow the words below.

Keep a running list. Make a note on your phone called "help" and add to it whenever you think I wish someone else could do this. When someone offers, hand them something off the list. Some ideas:

• Drop dinner at the door, no visit needed
• Hold the baby for 90 minutes so I can sleep
• Pick up groceries, or fold a load of laundry
• Sit with me during a feed so I'm not alone

Make the ask small, specific and time-bound. "Help" is too big for both of you. "Thursday, 4 to 6" is something a person can say yes to.

Use a script. It's easier when the words are already there:

• To a friend who offered: "You said to let you know, so I'm taking you up on it. Could you drop off dinner Wednesday? No need to come in."
• To family: "Could you come Saturday from 9 to noon so I can nap? I don't need the house cleaned, just someone to take the baby."
• To a neighbor: "We just had a baby. Could I put your number in my phone in case I need something in a pinch?"
• To your partner: "Can you own bath and bedtime on weeknights? Own it, meaning you start it without me reminding you."

If you're the one tracking everything, handing off whole areas helps more than handing off chores. How to Explain the Mental Load to Your Partner walks through that conversation.

Ask before you're desperate. Help is easier to give and receive when it's on the calendar. A standing Tuesday visit can do more than a frantic text at 6 p.m.

How do I build a village if I don't have one?

Start small. A few people is enough: your partner, a friend or family member or two, another mom in the same stage, and a professional if you need one. You want a mix of hands (meals, holding the baby), company and information.

Let yourself have a paid village if that's available to you. For many families today, the village is partly paid, and paid village members can be real lifelines: a postpartum doula, a night sitter, a mother's helper who plays with the baby while you shower, a lactation consultant, a house cleaner, a perinatal therapist. If you've been thinking about one of these but haven't given yourself permission, consider this the permission. Not every family can pay for help, and that's real. Even one paid piece, like a sitter two hours a week, can make the rest easier to carry.

Look for free support, too. Postpartum Support International runs free online support groups led by trained peer supporters. If you're not sure which kind of support fits, Postpartum Support Resources: Where to Start lays out the options.

Practice saying yes. When someone you trust offers, try "yes, thank you," plus something off your list. You don't have to tidy, host or apologize. Let them do it their way. The laundry folded wrong still got folded. And if someone who loves you wants to help but doesn't know how, The Village We Lost: How to Really Support New Mothers was written for them. Send it.

How do I ask for help with how I'm feeling, not just with tasks?

This is the ask a lot of moms skip. Help with dinner feels allowed. Telling someone I'm not okay feels much riskier.

• To your partner: "I'm not okay, and I don't need you to fix it right now. I need you to know, and I need help making a call."
• To a friend: "Can I tell you how I've actually been doing?"
• To your OB or midwife: "I've been feeling anxious (or flat, or on edge) most days for about three weeks, and I'd like to talk about it."

You don't have to wait for a scheduled checkup. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that postpartum care be ongoing rather than a single visit, starting with contact with your obstetric provider within the first three weeks after birth, and that the full postpartum visit cover mood and emotional well-being (ACOG, 2018). You can call the office and ask to talk about how you're feeling.

You can also ask someone to help you get help: look up therapists, make the call, or sit with you while you do. That counts as asking.

When is it time to talk to a professional?

Support from friends and family matters, but it can't treat postpartum depression or anxiety. It's time to talk with a professional if you notice:

• A sad, anxious or "empty" mood most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more (NIMH, 2023)
• Feeling hopeless, or doubting that you can take care of your baby, most of the time
• Worry or scary thoughts that won't let go, or trouble sleeping even when you get the chance
• Pulling away from the people you'd normally lean on
• Looking fine from the outside while you're barely holding it together inside

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. For support that isn't an emergency, you can call or text the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773, and a trained volunteer will get back to you.

You don't have to be falling apart to deserve help, and you don't have to figure out what's wrong before you reach out. Needing help means you're in a season that was never meant to be done alone.

If you'd like to talk it through with me, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin, TX, and online throughout Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states.

Sources

• American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. ACOG Committee Opinion No. 736: Optimizing Postpartum Care. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 2018.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. Revised 2023.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.