My Husband Doesn't Help With the Baby: What to Do Next

In the video above, I call BS on the idea that being the main earner makes someone too busy for a grocery run or a pickup. If those jobs keep landing on you, the arrangement needs to change. You shouldn't need a perfect explanation of exhaustion before your partner takes a real share.

What is fair when one partner works and the other is home?

Caring for a baby is work. If you're on leave or home with the baby, you've been working while your partner has been at their job. Once you're both home, the care and household work still need doing, and both of you need rest.

Fairness will depend on your schedules, recovery and your baby's needs. It may look different from week to week. The useful question is whether both adults have time off duty and whether one person's sleep, meals and showers keep getting interrupted while the other's don't.

Some couples choose for one parent to run more of the home. That choice still needs room for breaks and adjustment. An arrangement that leaves one parent always on call deserves another conversation.

What should I ask him to take responsibility for?

Start with the work that keeps falling back to you. Name a whole recurring job and what it includes:

• Bath and bedtime: starting the routine, finding the pajamas and finishing it.
• Diapers and wipes: checking what's left, buying more and restocking.
• Saturday mornings: being responsible for the baby for an agreed block while you're off duty.
• Appointments: booking, arranging transport, attending and following up.

“Bedtime is yours on the nights you're home by six” is clearer than “help more.” Agree on the essentials and what can be done differently. If you're still reminding him every evening, the remembering hasn't moved.

This explanation of the mental load for partners is worth sending. A shared calendar or access to the pediatrician's portal can help the information move with the job.

Is this a lack of practice or a lack of follow-through?

The answer matters.

A partner who's learning needs actual time doing the care. He may be unsure, ask questions or settle the baby differently. Give him the information he needs, agree on safety, and let him practice. You can leave the room or take the break you've planned. Constant coaching can keep both of you in the same roles.

A partner who repeatedly agrees and doesn't follow through needs a different conversation. If you've made clear agreements and the work keeps returning to you, describing it more politely may not fix it. Name the pattern: “We've agreed on Saturday mornings three times, and it keeps falling through. I need us to work out why and make a plan we both keep.”

You can acknowledge that his days are hard while expecting him to parent. Both people's limits belong in the plan.

Sometimes withdrawal or irritability reflects a partner struggling with their own mental health. Postpartum depression can affect dads and partners, too. Encourage him to seek care if that's a concern. His need for support and your need for shared responsibility can both be addressed.

How do I bring it up?

Choose a time when you can talk, if possible. Describe one concrete pattern, how it's affecting you and what needs to change:

“When you get home and take a break, I'm still on duty until bedtime. I need a break too. Let's agree on which parts of the evening you'll take over.”

You can ask him to reflect back what he heard, and you can listen to his experience. Being understood helps. An agreement about the work is still necessary.

Write down what you've decided and pick a time to review it. You don't have to hold an understanding conversation and then wait several days to discuss logistics. Use the time you have to make a workable plan.

If the harder part is explaining what postpartum has been like, when your partner doesn't understand postpartum has language you can borrow.

When would outside help be useful?

Consider couples counseling when the same fight repeats, agreed responsibilities keep falling through, or conversations end in contempt or withdrawal. A counselor can help you discuss the arrangement and follow-through. You can also seek individual support if he won't participate or you need space to decide what you want.

If you're afraid of your partner, or he threatens you, controls money or controls where you go, these communication suggestions may not be safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend couples counseling with an abusive partner. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for confidential support. Call 911 if you're in immediate danger.

What if I'm struggling with my mood as well?

An unfair load can be exhausting, and depression or anxiety can be present alongside it. Talk with your OB, midwife, doctor or a therapist if you've felt low, empty or anxious most days for two weeks or more, can't sleep even when someone else has the baby, feel hopeless, or have anger that frightens you. Severe or worsening symptoms deserve attention sooner. Postpartum depression symptoms explains more.

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. For non-emergency support, call or text Postpartum Support International's HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773; a trained volunteer will get back to you.

Individual therapy can help you sort out the strain, any mood symptoms and what you need from the partnership. Getting care for yourself doesn't depend on your partner agreeing with you.

If you'd like to talk about what's happening at home, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin and online across Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states.

Sources

• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. Revised 2023.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline. Should I Go to Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner? Accessed October 2026.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.