Working Mom Mental Load: Two Jobs, One of Them Invisible

The appointments, school forms and birthday presents don't stop needing attention while you're at work. If most of that planning lands on you, you're doing another job that other people may barely see.

Why does it feel like I'm working two full-time jobs?

School hours, appointment times and family expectations can make it hard for two working parents to cover everything. A better split at home helps, and it does not resolve every gap in support.

So when everyone wonders why moms are so exhausted, this is a big part of the answer: overload by design.

Why can't I switch off, even at work?

The invisible job doesn't wait for the paid one to end. It runs in the background all day, like a browser tab you can't close. At night, your brain starts the inventory: wipes, the permission slip, the RSVP, the shoes he's about to outgrow.

Being the one who keeps track of how the kids are doing may matter too, separate from the hours. A 2019 survey by Lucia Ciciolla at Oklahoma State University and Suniya Luthar at Arizona State University linked responsibility for children's wellbeing with lower life and partner satisfaction. It was one survey of mostly upper-middle-class moms, so it cannot describe every family. It does help make the often invisible planning work visible.

Why do I feel guilty at work and guilty at home?

Because you're being measured against two standards, and each one was written for someone else. Work is set up for a person with nobody to pick up at 3. A lot of what we expect from moms is set up for a person with no 9 a.m. meeting. So the guilt runs both ways: at work you're thinking about your kids, and with your kids you're answering one more email.

In a 2017 Sex Roles study, Jessica Borelli of Pomona College and colleagues coded what 255 parents of toddlers in Southern California said in answer to open-ended questions about work and family. Moms expressed more guilt than dads, including guilt about how their jobs affected their kids.

Guilt is worth sorting. Some of it points to something you'd like to change, like wanting to be at Friday pickup, and that's worth a conversation with your partner or your manager. A lot of it, though, comes from a standard nobody could meet with two jobs and 24 hours. For that kind, naming it can help: "This is the impossible-standard guilt again."

You can love your job and miss your kids in the same hour. You're allowed to feel relieved to sit in a quiet office for a while. If you're in the first months back after a baby, returning to work after baby covers that transition, and postpartum guilt goes deeper on why guilt gets so loud.

How do I hand off whole areas of responsibility, not just tasks?

Handing off a whole area, instead of one more task, can take it out of your head. An area means all of it: noticing it needs doing, planning it, doing it and following up. "Can you drive her to soccer?" is a task. "Activities are yours" means your partner handles the sign-ups, the schedule, the cleats she's outgrown, the carpool and the snack week.

Count it first. Your invisible job has hours, even if nobody counts them. For one week, jot down each time family logistics pulls you out of work or out of sleep, and roughly how long it took. A number can be easier for a partner to take in than a feeling. Then group the notes into areas (activities, birthdays, school forms, medical, meals, clothes) and start with the one that interrupts your workday most.

Hand it over whole, and agree on what "done" looks like. Say what matters to you once, up front, then let it go. If you're still reminding, you're still managing it. Expect it to be done differently for a while. For an area where a miss really matters, like medical, agree together on how you'll both know it's handled, such as a shared calendar, so you're not quietly checking behind them.

Change whose name comes first. For the areas your partner owns, put their name and number first on the school, daycare and pediatrician forms. As long as every call comes to you, so does every new piece of information.

Look past your partner. Not every mom has a partner to hand things to, and two parents can't cover everything a village used to. Where it's possible, a carpool rotation, a grandparent who owns Wednesday pickup or a standing grocery order each take a category off your plate.

Let some areas go. Some things don't need a new owner. They can just stop. Not every birthday needs a party, and not every weeknight needs a home-cooked dinner.

For the conversation itself, see how to explain the mental load to your partner, or send your partner the post I wrote for partners.

When is it more than overload?

Handing off areas helps with overload. It doesn't treat depression or anxiety, and because you're still getting everything done, it's easy to miss when you've crossed that line. It's time to talk to a professional if you notice:

• Exhaustion that a weekend or a vacation doesn't touch
• Dreading both the workday and the evening at home
• Snapping at your family far more than you want to, or feeling numb at work and at home
• A sad, anxious or empty mood, or lost interest in things you used to enjoy, most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more
• Trouble sleeping even when you finally have the chance, or trouble concentrating and making decisions
• Leaning on wine, or anything else, to get through most evenings, or drinking more than you meant to
• Thoughts of death or of not wanting to be here, even passing ones

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. If you're pregnant or postpartum and it isn't an emergency but you'd like support soon, you can call or text the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773. It isn't a crisis line; you leave a message and a trained volunteer gets back to you.

If you've had a baby recently, several of these are also signs of postpartum depression, which, as the National Institute of Mental Health puts it, can be treated. If burnout feels like the right word, mom burnout walks through the four signs and what helps.

You don't have to be falling apart to deserve support. Many working moms come to therapy when things are manageable but hard, to sort out how much of this is the load and how much is something underneath it.

Getting support

If you'd like to talk it through with me, book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin, TX, and online throughout Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states. You can also read more about my therapy for working moms.

Sources

• Borelli JL, Nelson SK, River LM, Birken SA, Moss-Racusin C. Gender differences in work-family guilt in parents of young children. Sex Roles, 2017.
• Ciciolla L, Luthar SS. Invisible household labor and ramifications for adjustment: mothers as captains of households. Sex Roles, 2019.
• Hochschild AR, Machung A. The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home. Viking, 1989. Book listing, UC Berkeley Department of Sociology.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. Revised 2023.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.