Things I Wish I Knew as a New Mom: The Emotional Side

Knowing those things wouldn't have made every day easy. It would have helped me stop reading every hard feeling as a sign I'd made a mistake.

1. You may grieve your old life

Yes. In the video above, I talk about grief for your old life. You may miss parts of it even when you wanted this baby very much. Sleeping in. Leaving the house with just your keys. Finishing a thought, a meal, a conversation. Even if you wanted this baby very much, losing all of that at once is a real loss.

So here's what I want you to know: having that thought doesn't mean you made a mistake. You can love your baby and grieve your old life at the same time. You can be grateful and still miss being someone who slept. Saying the second part out loud doesn't take anything away from the first.

What you're going through has a name: matrescence, the developmental shift into motherhood that touches your identity, body, relationships and work all at once.

2. Babies can be hard to figure out

With every sleep regression and every fussy phase, you're going to wonder whether you caused it. Was it the nap? The swaddle? Is everyone else's baby doing this?

The truth is, babies act like babies. They sleep sometimes, and other times they don't. Sometimes they fuss for reasons nobody can pin down. Most of it is normal, and most of it passes.

All that second-guessing is exhausting, and you don't have to solve every night. If your baby's crying, sleep, feeding or health worries you, call your pediatrician. That's what they're there for. And if the worry won't switch off even after everything checks out, look at the signs further down.

3. You may need different support than you expected

Sometimes the village you hoped for never arrives. Or it shows up and isn't the kind of support you need: visitors who hold the baby while you make them lunch, or advice when what you wanted was company.

Moms I work with often describe this kind of isolation, and it isn't a verdict on you. Support doesn't always come in the ways we expect. It might not be family or friends who step in, but finding people who truly get this season can make it feel much more manageable.

People who get it can come from places you didn't expect:

• Moms at the same stage, from a new-parent group or a neighborhood group chat
• A free online group. PSI runs more than 50, led by trained peer supporters, including groups for first-time moms and for postpartum rage.
• One honest friend who'll tell you the truth about their own early months

When is it more than a hard adjustment?

Grief and adjustment can be part of this transition. Persistent anxiety, anger, numbness or a low mood also deserve attention. Postpartum depression symptoms can be broader than sadness.

NIMH describes the "baby blues" as "mild and short-lasting" mood changes in the first two weeks after birth. Mood changes and anxiety that are severe or last longer than two weeks may be signs of postpartum depression. Postpartum Depression vs. Baby Blues walks through the timeline.

It's time to talk to a professional if:

• you've felt sad, anxious or empty most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more
• the grief or the "what have I done" feeling has turned into hopelessness or feeling worthless
• the worry won't switch off even when everything checks out, or you can't sleep even when the baby is asleep
• your irritability or anger scares you
• scary, unwanted thoughts are taking up a lot of your day, or you're checking, avoiding or seeking reassurance to manage them (having them doesn't mean you want to act on them)
• you feel disconnected from your baby, or keep doubting you can take care of them

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. The same goes for thoughts of not wanting to be alive, or that your family would be better off without you. If you feel you might act on a scary thought, or you're seeing or hearing things other people don't, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. If it isn't an emergency, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262 (free, 24/7), or call or text PSI's HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773, where you leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer gets back to you.

You don't have to know what this is before you reach out, or wait until it's "bad enough." PSI notes that about 1 in 5 moms and dads report depression or anxiety symptoms in the first year after birth. Both are treatable. Your OB, midwife or primary care doctor is a good place to start, and so is a therapist who works with moms.

Getting support

If you'd like to talk it through with me, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin, TX, and online throughout Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states.

Sources

• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression (NIH Publication No. 23-MH-8116). Revised 2023.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.