Is It Normal to Want Time Away From Your Baby?

A lot of moms recognize that relief. You can love your baby and want some time that belongs to you.

Is it normal to want time away from your baby?

Yes. You're allowed to want time away from your baby. You're allowed to miss parts of your old life, and you're allowed to want an afternoon that belongs to you.

Think about what a baby asks of you in a day. They need to be fed, held, changed, soothed and watched, at 3 a.m. as much as at 3 p.m. A lot of that happens on your body, so you can reach bedtime without a single minute to yourself. If the physical part is what's wearing you down, feeling touched out is real, and there are reasons it happens.

There's another piece, too. You're a person with a lot of different parts. In the video above, I list some of mine: I'm a mom, and I'm also a partner, a friend, a daughter, and someone with work I care about. When only the mothering part of you gets any attention, the other parts don't go away. They just stop getting looked after. Wanting a few hours without your baby is often one of them asking for some room.

Does wanting a break mean I love my baby less?

No. Love and wanting space can sit side by side, and for a lot of moms they do. You can adore your baby and still feel relief when the door closes behind you, then miss them twenty minutes later. Both are real, and neither one cancels the other.

In the early months especially, love often shows up as what you do: the feeding, the rocking, getting up one more time. Stepping away from that for a few hours doesn't erase any of it.

Your baby can be loved and cared for by more than one person. Your partner, your mom or a sitter will do things differently than you do, and different is fine.

Why do I feel guilty for resting?

I know this one firsthand. On a Saturday afternoon, part of me really wants to go into my room, close the door and read a book quietly, without any kids needing anything. And another part of me is keeping a tally of everything that needs to get done: the cleaning, the errands, the meal prep.

That second voice comes from somewhere. For generations, women were praised for self-sacrifice, for keeping everyone else comfortable even when they were exhausted, and that message has stuck around. So when you're not busy, it can feel like you're not doing enough, and even when your body is asking for rest, your mind starts listing what you should be doing instead.

Guilt can show up when you step away, even when taking the break is reasonable. When you slow down, you're breaking a pattern that's been handed down for decades and frankly doesn't work anymore. If guilt is following you into a lot more than rest, this piece on postpartum guilt goes into where it comes from.

How do I actually take time away from my baby?

Permission is half of it. The other half is logistics:

• Ask for a specific block of time. "Can I have Saturday from 1 to 4, out of the house?" is easier to say yes to than "I need a break sometime." If someone says "let me know if you need anything," answer with a day and a time.
• Make it regular. A standing time on the calendar means you don't have to earn it again every week.
• Hand off for real. Share the information the other caregiver needs, including how to reach you. Agree on what needs a call so you can step away from managing the ordinary details.
• Let it be yours. Errands can count, but if every break goes to the to-do list, the tally wins. Get your nails done, get a massage, take a walk, see a friend, take a nap. What you do matters less than the fact that it's for you.
• Start small if leaving feels hard. A twenty-minute walk counts.
• If you're parenting solo or your family isn't nearby, consider trading a few hours with another mom, a sitter for one afternoon a week, or short-stay childcare at a gym, church or community center.
• If you're breastfeeding, a lactation consultant can help you plan time away around feeds.

There's also a different kind of stepping away. If you're alone with a crying baby, nothing is working and your frustration is climbing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says to put your baby in a safe place, like a crib or playpen with no blankets or stuffed animals, and leave the room to calm down. If that takes more than a few minutes, check on your baby, but don't pick them up until you're calmer. The AAP adds, "It is normal to feel upset, frustrated, or even angry, but it is important to keep your behavior under control" (AAP, 2022). If the crying happens a lot, or you're worried something is wrong, call your pediatrician.

If getting any time at all takes a fight every week, the problem is bigger than your calendar. A massage can't fix a home where one person is always on duty, and changing how the work at home is divided is part of the answer.

And expect the guilt to come along the first few times. You can feel guilty and go anyway. It may get quieter once the break is routine.

When is not wanting to be with your baby a sign of something more?

Wanting a break is normal. What I'd want to know more about is when it stops being about a break: you don't want to be with your baby at all, you're steering clear of them, or the day ahead fills you with dread.

It's time to talk to a professional if you notice:

• You dread time with your baby most days, or you dread coming home, and a break doesn't lift it
• Your time away doesn't feel good either. You get the afternoon off and feel just as flat, or you've lost interest in things you used to enjoy (NIMH, 2023)
• You feel little or no connection to your baby, or caring for them feels like a job you're performing. Bonding can take a while, and trouble bonding can also be a symptom of perinatal depression (NIMH, 2023)
• You're avoiding being alone with your baby, or avoiding things like bath time, because of scary, unwanted thoughts or images. These are common with postpartum anxiety and OCD, and having them doesn't mean you want to act on them. They're still worth talking about
• You keep your distance because you're sure you'll do it wrong. NIMH lists persistent doubts about your ability to care for your baby as a symptom of perinatal depression
• You find yourself fantasizing about leaving for good, and it's more than an end-of-a-long-day joke
• You've had a sad, anxious or "empty" mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks (NIMH, 2023)

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. The same goes for thoughts of not wanting to be alive, or that your family would be better off without you. For support that isn't an emergency, you can call or text Postpartum Support International's HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773, and a trained volunteer will get back to you.

You don't have to sort out whether this is exhaustion, depression or anxiety before you reach out, or wait until it feels "bad enough." These are hard things to say out loud, and a therapist who works with moms has heard them before. NIMH says perinatal depression can be treated, and that with proper treatment, most women feel better (NIMH, 2023).

If you'd like to talk it through with me, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin, TX, and online throughout Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states.

Sources

• American Academy of Pediatrics. How to Calm a Fussy Baby: Tips for Parents & Caregivers. HealthyChildren.org, adapted from Crying and Your Baby: How to Calm a Fussy or Colicky Baby, 2016; updated March 2022.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. Revised 2023.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.