Why Is Motherhood So Hard? What's Really Going On

In the video above, I talk about how unreasonable those expectations are. When motherhood feels hard, it's worth looking at what you're being asked to do and how much support you have.

Why is motherhood so hard right now?

Journalist Amy Westervelt described these competing expectations in her 2018 book Forget "Having It All". There are only so many hours in a day. Working, caring for children and running a home each take time.

This pressure isn't normal, and it isn't a fair measure of you. So many moms in my office tell me they feel like they're failing. What I usually see is a mom carrying a standard nobody could meet. What moms need is support and rest. What they mostly get is judgment and "shoulds."

The bar your kids actually need is much lower and much kinder: someone who shows up, misses sometimes, and comes back. That's close to what pediatrician D. W. Winnicott meant by the good enough mother.

Why does it feel so much harder than I expected?

If you were told you'd feel an instant rush of love, bounce back by six weeks and be the same person plus a baby, ordinary hard days can feel like proof that something's wrong with you.

On top of the new baby, you're going through matrescence, the developmental shift into motherhood that touches your identity, body, brain, relationships and work all at once. You can love your baby completely and still find this the hardest thing you've ever done.

Why am I so tired when I "didn't do anything" today?

Because so much of the work doesn't look like work. It's the remembering, planning and monitoring that run in the background all day: noticing you're low on diapers, tracking the next checkup, sensing that your toddler's meltdown is really about the new baby. That's the mental load.

When the load stays heavier than what you have to give for long enough, it can turn into mom burnout.

Why does it look so much easier for everyone else?

Scroll long enough and it starts to feel like everyone else is doing it better. Perfectly curated homes. Babies sleeping through the night. Moms who somehow have time for makeup and organic meal prep. What you don't see are the tears, the messy rooms, and the time and energy it took to make that one perfect post.

I see this in my own friendships, too. Friends sometimes tell me they could never manage all the traveling I do with my kids. The truth is, traveling with kids is really hard. I post the beach photo. I don't post the airport meltdown.

Sarah Coyne at Brigham Young University and colleagues surveyed 721 mothers about this (Computers in Human Behavior, 2017). Moms who reported comparing themselves to others on social media more often also reported feeling more overloaded as parents, less competent and less supported, and they reported more symptoms of depression. It's a snapshot, so it can't show that scrolling caused those feelings, but it fits what many moms describe to me.

What actually helps when motherhood feels this hard?

Some of what makes this hard is bigger than one household. More flexible work, affordable care and reliable help matter. The changes below are places to start within your own day.

Drop one "should" on purpose. Pick one standard this week and lower it deliberately. Dinner can be eggs and toast. The laundry can live in the basket.

Make the invisible work visible. For a few days, write down everything you track, remember and decide. Then hand off a whole job, including the remembering. "Can you own daycare forms and doctor's appointments from now on?" is a different request than "Can you help more?"

Ask for specific help. A village often gets rebuilt one person and one ask at a time. "Can you bring dinner Thursday?" gives people something they can say yes to, in a way "Let me know if you need anything" often doesn't.

Curate what you scroll. Mute accounts that leave you feeling behind, and keep the ones that leave you feeling connected rather than judged. And try not to judge your whole life during a 2 a.m. feed.

Rest before everything is done. You have the right to rest without earning it first.

Is this just hard, or is it postpartum depression or anxiety?

Here's how I think about the line.

Hard usually moves. A brutal morning, then a decent afternoon. A real stretch of sleep, a few hours of help or a good talk with a friend takes the edge off. There are still moments that feel good, even if there are fewer of them. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH, 2023) notes that it's normal for new moms to feel tired or overwhelmed sometimes.

Depression and anxiety tend to hang on. NIMH describes the "baby blues" as "mild and short-lasting," and says mood changes that are severe or last longer than two weeks after birth may be signs of postpartum depression, which generally doesn't get better without treatment. Anxiety that needs attention tends to look like constant worry that a good night or a calm day doesn't quiet.

It's time to talk to a professional if:

• your mood has been sad, anxious or empty most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks or more
• you've lost interest or pleasure in most things, including things you used to love
• you feel hopeless, worthless, or weighed down by guilt
• you can't stop worrying, your thoughts race, or you feel like something bad is about to happen
• you can't sleep even when the baby is asleep
• your irritability or anger scares you
• you feel disconnected from your baby, or keep doubting you can take care of them

If you're thinking about suicide or need crisis support, call or text 988. Call 911 if you or your baby is in immediate danger. The same goes for thoughts of not wanting to be alive, or that your family would be better off without you. If it isn't an emergency but you'd like support today, call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262 (free, 24/7), or call or text Postpartum Support International's HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773, where you leave a confidential message and a trained volunteer gets back to you.

You don't have to figure out which one this is before you reach out, and you don't have to wait until it's "bad enough." Your OB, midwife or primary care doctor is a good place to start, and so is a therapist who works with moms.

Getting support

If you'd like to talk it through with me, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. I see moms in person in Austin, TX, and online throughout Texas and 40+ PSYPACT states.

Sources

• Westervelt A. Forget "Having It All": How America Messed Up Motherhood—and How to Fix It. Seal Press, 2018.
• Coyne SM, McDaniel BT, Stockdale LA. "Do you dare to compare?" Associations between maternal social comparisons on social networking sites and parenting, mental health, and romantic relationship outcomes. Computers in Human Behavior, 2017.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Perinatal Depression. Revised 2023.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. What to Expect.
• Postpartum Support International. Perinatal Mental Health: Signs, Symptoms and Treatment and Get Help.